im so unhappy right now. i dont know what to do. nothing is going my way, and it's not even tha i need for eveything to go my way, i just want something to go right. my boyfriend is unhappy, i am unhappy, im broke, i hate my job, i hate the way i look i hate the way i feel, i cant sleep the pain away, cause i cant sleep, i cant eat the pain away, cause then i will be even fatter and unhappier, i cant drink the pain away......i just cant. i cant do anything. i feel unloved and unhappy and like it will never get any better. im so tired of putting up a front for everyone because they are worse off then i am. i feel fat and alone. i hate my life i hate myself. i hate a lot.

why do i let my insecurities get the best of me? i wish i could see the beautiful person people tell me they see.

I am better, I feel less empty and more like im moving on. My mild depression has ended and i feel as if i am getting back on track. only thing is, i want to get preg. again, i never thought i would and now i do. i am torn as usual and i dont know what to do....as usual. i cannot gain i can only loose, i do not think that i can be better until i get pregnant again and i run the risk of not getting preg. the lower i go and the less i eat. and then there's the whole cause of the miscarriage, even though i know there is no way to really tell i cannot escape the possibilty that my continuous malnutrution had something to do with my loss. i know that i am not ready to stop and get better at least not until i am forced to by another preg. until then i will keep restricing until i reach my goal.

Ok, after a week of horrifying weakness and uncontrollable eating and serious gym time and workout neglect I feel after getting ont the scale and seeing that i have gained yet another lb. I am back on track. I have not eated yet for the day, but i have planned to maintain 500 cals or less for this week. I feel as i a starting anew and i can do this.
I hope you girls do well, i am here to support you as you have great in supporting me.
Good Luck.

make it go away!

I feel like a failure. I feel like i have no control. i hate feeling like that. and lately, i feel like i want to confess. i keep getting the urge to tell someone what im doing to myself but then i come to my senses. but, lately all these oppurtunities come up and feel like it's time to do something, to say somthing but i know that people will worry and try to make me better, which is something i dont want. so i am here confessing to myself. i starve myself on purpose. there i said it. i do exactly what i tell people not to do on a daily basis, y is it that i cant follow my own advice, shit y is it that my own advice only works for other people.

Ok, i was trying on jeans at Express, (ugh, depressing) and i accidently caught a glimpse of my collar bones in the mirror, and i was shocked, they were beautiful, i love them, and earlier at work, a co worker told my i looked too thin in my face, and i shouldn't loose anymore weight, i wanted to kick her but i was glad that she thought i was thinner. but then i was like, what does she know. i told her there was sooooo much more to lose. By the way, the jeans didn't fit and that confirms that i need to loose more, as if i didn't already know this. ugh. oh yeah, and i went over my cals for the day my like 200, ew. and i didnt get to go to the gym, but i plan to go twice tomorrow and on sun. whooo hooo!. last time i did that i burned like 1400cals for the day. excited about the prospect.

I hate this, i hate feeling torn like this, i hate the lying and the fake smiling, i hate the fact that i am a grown ass woman suffering through some shit that i brought on myself. I hate society i hate that when people say someone is too skinny i am jealous, i hate that i am afraid to get into a relationship because of my issues, i hate that my biggest issues is unsecurity and that there is not a damn thing i can do about it. i hate that i dont have the slighest inkling to "recover" and that i fear it more thatn anything, i hate that i beat myself up over 50cals and kill myself daily at the gym. i hate that my whole exsistance consists of cals, wieght, inches size, reflection and food. i hate food, i hate that some of it tastes good, i hate that even when it tastes good it doesnt feel good, i hate that i cant enjoy life and food and excercise, i hate drama, i hate that i perpetuate drama in my life, home and family, i hate that i am not skinny or skinny enough and that i never will be, i hate that i am angry all the time even when i am not i hate that i hate, i hate that i have to joke about ED's with collegues and suffer at the same time, i hate that a piece of pizza can bring me to tears and destroy a whole day, i hate that people compliment my progress at the same time unknowingly fuel my disorder, i hate that i know better and i still do this to myself, i hate that i have rational intelligent thoughts and advice for others but none for myself. i hate that feel the need to rant like this to complete strangers.

As you suggested, Hey kristi Im not a troll!

Your doing a good job, keep it up, really apperciate it.

Does anyone really know the weight loss benefits of green tea? I have heard so much and then that it was all crap. What does it or doesnt it do?